It's a Bad Habit

 

   my mind's in a mental state

          of dead space

 

   trying to stay clear

     of the thoughts

    that bring tears

 

           to my eyes

 

   trying to numb the pain

      by overloading my brain

 

   playing the same refrain

       

         bad habits

    that still bring me back

         to missing you

Stormy Eyes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    my eyes are turning stormy

 

         skies grow darker

                air turns colder

 

    the season of the witch

                winter is coming

 

        and my eyes are storms

Sour

 

   beauty turns sour

           in my stomach

 

    deep down who are we really

        

           but oblivion

 

   pretending to be bright stars

        but eventually

 

          imploding

 

    and the depths of our abyss

       consume the shallow

 

          surface can no longer be perceived

               we manifest the blackhole

 

         we always were

Atoms

 

   solitarily alone

 

      trying to feel

                          something

    from the words

 

              of strangers

 

   all these vibrations

      pass through me

 

   I fight against the harvest

              of my mind

          the reaping of my soul

 

    but who am I really

 

        deep down

        to my fundamental parts

 

              I'm just a collection of atoms

 

           the manifestation of the dust

                       of stars

 

          cold and distant

           empty

          long dead

 

             light

Oblivion

 

   break me apart

     into molecules

 

    even smaller

       separate my atoms

 

   exploding into funeral pyre

 

           naught even ashes

             to ashes

     

                nor

             dust

               to dust

 

      break me down

        destroy my sorrow

     

         I do not wish to exist

 

          

Frequency

   the agency

      with which vibration

 

   moves through the soul

 

    rending the calm

       to chaos

   within a fractured moment

 

    it is a function

        and manifestation

 

          of the universe

Mythos, Ethos, Pathos & Logos

 

it's cold in the ethos of my mind

 

multidimensional

         time shifts

 

    are time quakes

 

that break apart my thoughts

each sliver becoming a distant

                   and distinct star

 

         imploding supernova

Axed

 

  take a dull axe

     to my blunt tongue

 

   watch it swell

     with all the thoughts

         I mean

 

    but shouldn't

 

       tact it down

 

 and the words I say

         convey

    softer notes

 

   caressed by moist lips

 

    not sharpened

      by these whetted stone

 

          teeth

A Nonsensical Dream

   little marionette

     pull her strings

 

       Alice carved her wings

   from a nonsensical dream

           curiouser

                and curiouser

 

      she screamed

 

      for the marionette

          could only fall

       with wings

           made of logs

Hush

 

  hush my love

 

    let the world fall away

       as you lay in my arms

 

     come into my oblivion

         as I delve into yours

 

   we'll fade away with the sun

Songs Were Written for this Feeling but all I got is Words

 

   I crave you

    but you don't need

          to know

 

   I got this tune

      I play

 

   late at night

 

   and it makes me think

        you're mine

 

   but it's just a dream

   that lets me fall

         asleep

 

   and I feel like I'm drowning

         in this sur-reality

 

   but I keep dreaming

         cause where else

     can keep up the fantasy

Black

 

   I'm washed in black

     my thoughts

    turning to the dark

 

             side of the moon

 

   I will elevate the sun

 

           supernova

 

   to become the blackhole

 

      see the shadow befall me

 

   I will only complicate you

      when everything in me has turned

                to black

 

 

My Revolution

 I've been waiting for this song to be released for a long time and it inspired the following poem by me

I'm Alone

 

  I'm alone

   I'm scared

 

 I'm crying on my own

 

  I'm screaming in my head

       why did you have to die

 

   answer me right now

     what were you thinking

    how could you let it get this far

 

        were you drinking

 

   I was right there

      you could have reached out

         any time

 

   you didn't have to fight it on your own

 

      I was there

         I was waiting

        now you're gone

 

       and I'm crying on my own

 

           I'm scared

         and I'm always alone

 

Momentum

 

  I love to see that slight

     loss of control

 

   the reckless abandon

       that falls

    over your eyes

 

    the chaos

  that whispers

 

from each ragged breath you draw

 

    as your lips

      devour mine

The Reaper

 

   I am every dead thing

           

        crying out from the grave

 

    calling out for the lost souls

            come home

 

    I am the reaper

            death dealer

          collector

 

          of those lay dying

 

        come to snatch their souls

Do Not Handle

 

   I come with a warning label

 

         KEEP AWAY

 

     don’t touch

          she's touched

 

       in the head

 

     broken shards

        jagged and sharp

      held together

 

       by sheer will

         and rage

Word Play

  are you daddy's

     little fuck toy

 

    my sweet sadomasochist

 

  I never know which you enjoy more

          giving or receiving

 

   but I love to play the voyeur

        watching you from the corner

                           you

 

     my demented little exhibitionist

 

      switching from prey

          to hunter

 

  and we banter

     in pleasure and pain

 

 I own you

       your every moan

    whimper

       your pain

      your pleasure is mine

 

   pet

        slave

 mistress

        dom

 

   equitable exchange

        power

           corrupts

 

  absolutely

 

    so let go

         and give yourself to me

I'll take control

 

        free you from your ego

            

     I love to see you on your knees

       the perfect pose

      of submission

 

     daddy's little whore

        loves to please

 

Surreality

 

  I am a corporeal entity

 

      existing in this construct

         of what is considered time

 

    a phantom of the matrix

 

      a glitch that exists

         in virtual reality

      a malady of the degradation

 

           of self

 

    the shadow that grows

         in the corner of the mind

 

     a menace

          a malice

     a symptom of Alice's

           fractured wonderland

 

          I am surreal-ity

 

        I am madness at hand

Mental Health Awareness

 

I'm a very private person. I don't talk about myself really ever. I advocate for mental health awareness and I'll share about my diagnosis, but I don't talk about the day to day struggle. I don't talk about what I suffer with daily, hourly, minute by minute. I keep that too myself. I do have friends that I will confide in occasionally. But for the most part I tend to rather be the listener, the supporter than the one who reaches out for help. I'm not suicidal, I've not reached that point since I was a teen. Recently I lost someone very dear to me who took his own life. He was very private and believed that his burdens were his alone to bare. He was not suicidal until he was.

 

I'm very aware that someday I might not be strong enough to fight off those demons, that one day I'll be suicidal and it will be too late for anyone to help. I hope I never sink into that level of darkness where I cannot even see the hope for light. But sometimes the panic rises and it feels like it will never subside and then I panic even more because what if it doesn't go away, and what if it will always be this way. What if one of the many things I do to calm myself and quiet the alarm bells blaring in my mind stop working. What will I be capable of to quell that feeling?

 

But for now, I'm not suicidal. I'm just carrying my burdens all alone, because I'm a very private person. And this is the reality for many who suffer mental illness. People never know until it's too late. So watch your words, your actions, and don't assume that everyone you see is perfectly healthy and happy. Because we are not suicidal… until we are.

Storm Chasers

 

   thunder and lightning

        how very frighting

 

    shatter and quake

         sounds go boom

 

    clouds erupt

       like smoke

      gun-metal grey

 

    the repeat of gods at arms

 

   fire ignites in the sky

        lights up the brume

Cellular Degradation

 

  every cell in my being

     screaming for release

 

  shatter my body

     scatter my molecules

  across the universe

 

 set free this imprisoned energy

 

   I'm bleeding internally

   from all the cracks in my mind

 

 I play some inspiration

 

  let my hand glide

      slide between my thighs

 

 shut tight my gaze

   and imagine all my stars

      explode

 

        supernova

The Abyss and the Void

 

   behind the moons of Andor

 

      darkness unleashed

     this abyss is fathomless

 

  and I am acquainted

 with the emptiness

          of space

 

 beyond an event horizon

     a black hole

         that consumes

 

  I stared

        into the abyss

   and the abyss

 

           was scared

 

 

    in the void

  there is no form

         no voice

       no darkness

        no light

 

it is the nature of a thought

      waiting to occur

 

Promises

 

         your kiss

  held every promise

I ever made to myself

 

every wish

       upon a star

The Precipice of Oblivion

 

  I'm never okay

    any time I try to make it better

  it gets worse

 

  so I'm forever dancing

      on a precipice

 

   come too close

            I'm caught

       by oblivion's drift

 

   falling for an eternity

        through the abyss

So Long and Good Night

 

so long and good night

you might think it better

if I had stayed

 

but every beginning has it's end

and this is where my end begins

so long and good night

 

so long and good night

don't let me carry on this way

the dying of my light will fade

 

remember the days

I made you smile and laugh

so long and good night

 

so long and good night

recall the times we played

and how sometimes we'd fight

 

my time has come

and I cannot stay

so long and good night

Night and Day

 

Grief

 

i am torn asunder

 

a carcass

  of beast and bone

 

picked over

   by the buzzards

 i, home to the crows

 

  raven messenger

  carry my love this poem

 

greet him

   with these words

 

two silver coins

  I will pay

to Charon

 

and lay this stone

  just the other side of Styx

 

his burden to bear no more

Invocations

 

 invoke my name

   with the dichotomy

      of a blessing

 

   and a curse

 

    praying your voice

      echoes through the aether

 

    awakening me from my oblivion

Intimate

 

  cuddle with me

    I want to feel the weight of you

 

   press me into the sheets

       like a rose pressed between

      the pages of a book

 

   write love notes on my skin

             with your fingertips

 

            your lips

 

      breathe me in

         and let me fade

       into your oblivion

Precipices

 

 

   gravity edging

          the event horizon

 

towards a black hole

 

         implode supernova

             go little rock star

 

Dark Matter

 

  I know you like my darkness

  I know you want my oblivion

 

          let me fuck you till you fade

  

    I'll take away your pain

  fall away

          and let go

 

         of everything

 

 I'll take control

 as the climax unfolds

 in every murmur

     every moan

 

  the pounding rhythm grows

Existentiality

 

   in this moment

         I am alone

    I am nothing

     I am unknown

 

  I am nothing to anyone

          always on my own

    always unknown

 

  my existence has no meaning

           no purpose

 

   I am a consciousness

 adrift in an abyss

          of chaos

 

   no safe haven

      no home

Belly Ache

 

  this is the kind of lonely

    when the ache

  makes you think

     there's internal bleeding

 

  when you can't breathe

    can't cry

     can't scream

        cause it's eating you up inside

 

  so you shove it down

       even more

      and you hide behind your smile

 

   and pretend

      

     you're just fine on your own

 

    all alone

     

The Vast Expanse of Thought

 

I.

 

my mind is a multiverse

of multidimensional time shifts

 

   there are numerous

   things occupying it

 

I never can tell just what

 

II.

 

       always a dichotomy

 

two thoughts juxtaposed

                   one desired

          one opposed

 

which one takes precedence

         depends on the hour

                            I suppose

 

III.

 

everything is always on the verge

            between two elements

                         chaos

         and perfection

 

but the center must always hold

 

IV.

 

           the center

is merely a balancing act

 

we are an eternity at existence

                         everything

        and nothing

 

oblivion will come

and our nothingness

will be complete.

 

V.

 

something is still lacking

       what is it

 

     faith

 

    the constant struggle

         that unfolds

Querries

 

am I better than the emptiness

that lies behind your eyes

when you look inside

 

I see the shadows in your mind

the demons carving out your soul

                      let me in

 

feel me in your veins

I'll fill you up with my light

burning away the darkest nights

 

leave you with just enough

               to give you fight