I am a corporeal entity
existing in this construct
of what is considered time
a phantom of the matrix
a glitch that exists
in virtual reality
a malady of the degradation
of self
the shadow that grows
in the corner of the mind
a menace
a malice
a symptom of Alice's
fractured wonderland
I am surreal-ity
I am madness at hand
I'm a very private person. I don't talk about myself really ever. I advocate for mental health awareness and I'll share about my diagnosis, but I don't talk about the day to day struggle. I don't talk about what I suffer with daily, hourly, minute by minute. I keep that too myself. I do have friends that I will confide in occasionally. But for the most part I tend to rather be the listener, the supporter than the one who reaches out for help. I'm not suicidal, I've not reached that point since I was a teen. Recently I lost someone very dear to me who took his own life. He was very private and believed that his burdens were his alone to bare. He was not suicidal until he was.
I'm very aware that someday I might not be strong enough to fight off those demons, that one day I'll be suicidal and it will be too late for anyone to help. I hope I never sink into that level of darkness where I cannot even see the hope for light. But sometimes the panic rises and it feels like it will never subside and then I panic even more because what if it doesn't go away, and what if it will always be this way. What if one of the many things I do to calm myself and quiet the alarm bells blaring in my mind stop working. What will I be capable of to quell that feeling?
But for now, I'm not suicidal. I'm just carrying my burdens all alone, because I'm a very private person. And this is the reality for many who suffer mental illness. People never know until it's too late. So watch your words, your actions, and don't assume that everyone you see is perfectly healthy and happy. Because we are not suicidal… until we are.
thunder and lightning
how very frighting
shatter and quake
sounds go boom
clouds erupt
like smoke
gun-metal grey
the repeat of gods at arms
fire ignites in the sky
lights up the brume
every cell in my being
screaming for release
shatter my body
scatter my molecules
across the universe
set free this imprisoned energy
I'm bleeding internally
from all the cracks in my mind
I play some inspiration
let my hand glide
slide between my thighs
shut tight my gaze
and imagine all my stars
explode
supernova
